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 Customer Management World Asia 2006, 21-23 March, Singapore
Consumer Communications and Networking (CCN) Conference, 8-10 January, Las Vegas
3GSM World Congress, 13 - 16 February, Barcelona, Spain
ECCA Congress 2006, 27 February - 1 March, Austria
TELEXPO 2006, 7-10 March, Sao Paulo, Brazil
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Humour |
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Humour 
NEW-FANGLED CONTRAPTION
Caller: I bought a phone last week, and I didn't receive the car charger for the lighter until today. I'm trying to use it, and it's not working. How do you use it?
Rep: First, you remove the lighter and then you plug it into the adapter.
Caller: But... I don't have a car.
Rep: Why do you need the car charger?
Caller: To light my cigarettes.
After some probing, the rep learned the member thought she could plug the charger into the phone and use it as a cigarette lighter.
Source: phonephunnies.com
HOLD THE CHEESE, PLEASE?
Teenage Caller: I wonder if you could help me.
Help Desk: What's the problem?
Caller: My dad bought me a computer last week, and I was taking out a CD when the phone rang. I was also eating pizza. With the CD drawer still open, I set the pizza on it, so I could pick up the phone.
Help Desk: (Cringing) What happened then?
Caller: Well, the CD drawer took the part of the pizza inside the computer! Now I can't get the drawer open. It's a really big mess. Can you help?
Help Desk: This is bad, very bad.
Caller: Well, I'm really hungry. Can you help me get the pizza out?
NO. 1 FOR TECH SUPPORT
Tech Support: O.K. Bob, it's time to press the 'control' and 'escape' keys at the same time.
Caller: Done.
Tech Support: Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the 'program manager.'
Caller: I don't have a 'P.'
Tech Support: On your keyboard?
Caller: What do you mean?
Tech Support: 'P' on your keyboard?
Caller: I'm not going to do that!!!
YOU’R TALKING TO ME!
Caller: I can't make outbound calls on my cell phone.
Rep: Do you have the phone with you?
Caller: Yes, I'm talking on it right now.
Rep: The phone is working just fine. You just called me.
The embarrassed caller quickly hung up.
PICTURES, KEYBOARDS AND A CLUE
WHERE ARE MY LITTLE PICTURES?
Caller: I can't find my little pictures (icons).
Tech Support: What pictures?
Caller: One is "my computer," another is like "network neighbour."
Tech Support: Do you have any windows open?
Caller: Yes.
Tech Support: Ok, we need to close those windows.
Caller: Oh, OK.(Everything is quiet for a few moments.)
Tech Support: Are you still there???
Caller: (After a few more moments) OK. I had to walk around the room and close all the windows.... I still can't see my little pictures.
IT'S NOT A TOUCH SCREEN, IT'S A KEYBOARD!
Tech Support: Let's restart the computer and when the computer starts booting up, we'll press F2 to enter the BIOS Setup
Customer: OK.
Tech Support: I hear it restarting, so press F2.
Customer: OK, I am... It's not letting me in the BIOS.
Tech Support: That's OK, we'll try again. Let's restart it and press F2 again.
Customer: OK.
Tech Support: Is it restarting?
Customer: Yes. I keep touching the F2 characters on the monitor, but nothing happens...
Tech Support: Well, that's because you need to press the F2 key on the keyboard, you see?
C'MON, I NEED A CLUE!
Rep: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?
Member: Hi, I have an appointment with a dental office today and I have misplaced their phone number.
Rep: I would be more than happy to help you. What is the last name of the dentist?
Member: I don't know.
Rep: Ok, how about the address?
Member: No, don’t have that either.
Rep: How about a town, or street name?
Member: No, I don't remember.
Rep: Have you been to this dental provider before?
Member: No.
PUNS AND FLOPPY DISKS
A GENDER NEUTRAL PRESCRIPTION
Caller: I want to know why my husband's prescription drug was denied.
Phone Rep: What was the drug prescribed for?
Caller: His her.
Phone Rep: Excuse me?
Caller: His her.
Phone Rep: Can you repeat that?
Caller: His her!
Phone Rep: I'm sorry but I don't know what "her" is.
Caller: It's for his "her"!!! He's bald! He ain't got no "her" on his head!
THERE'S A GOOD REASON FOR THAT...
Caller: I keep trying to use a 3.5" floppy diskette, but the PC just keeps spitting it out.
Tech: Does it go in all the way?
Caller: Not really, it goes almost all the way; then it springs back out again.
Tech: Can you explain to me step-by-step how you insert the diskette ?
Caller: Well, I push the button, and this tray pops out. Then I place the floppy disk on this round area and push the button again.
Tech: You might want to try the slot right above the tray. It's called the floppy drive.
PRINT SCREENS, BRAKES AND SMOKE!
IT REALLY HAPPENED
A help desk agent received a call from a client having trouble with his “print screen” feature. After lots of discussion, a technician was dispatched to diagnose the problem. Here’s the conversation:
Client: My "print screen" feature doesn't work.
Tech: I've tested it, and it seems to be working fine.
Client: Oh, good, let me try it again.
Client presses a blank sheet of paper against the monitor screen and then pushes "print screen" key. Technician starts laughing.
Client: What's wrong?
Tech: I'm sorry but when you push the "print screen" key the document comes out of your printer...
NOW THAT'S A BREAK
At our company, we take applications for service.
Caller: Hello, I would like to speak with Steve please.
Phone Rep: I'm sorry, Steve's taking an "APP" right now. Is there something I can help you with?
Caller: (Irritated) Well, when Steve wakes up from his "NAP" tell him to call me!
AND THAT'S WHAT WE CALL SMOKIN' !!
Caller: My hard drive is smoking! I think it's on fire.
Tech: (Alarmed) Have you shut off the system?
Caller: No.
Tech: (5 Alarmed) Well, unplug the computer!
Caller: I don't want to lose my data...
GRAPPLING WITH OUTAGES
BACK TO TYPING 101
Tech Support: You need to right-click on the desktop.
Caller: OK
Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?
Caller: No.
Tech Support: OK, right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?
Caller: No.
Tech Support: OK, sir, can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Caller: Sure, you told me to WRITE "click" and I WROTE "click."
Tech Support: OK. Did you type "click" with the keyboard?
Caller: I have done something dumb, right?
Huhhh?
Caller: I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word.
Tech Support: Tell me what you've done.
Caller: I typed "A:SETUP."
Tech Support: Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.
Caller: It says (PC manufacturer) Restore and Recovery disk."
Tech Support: Insert the MS Word setup disk.
Caller: What?
Tech Support: Did you buy MS word?
Caller: No.
BIG BROTHER BEWARE?
Tech Support: OK, in the bottom left-hand side of the screen, see where the "OK" button is displayed?
Caller: How can you see my screen from there?
LET'S START AT THE BEGINNING.
Caller: Uhh... I need help unpacking my new PC.
Tech Support: What exactly is the problem?
Caller: I can't open the box.
Tech Support: Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there.
Caller: Uhhhh... OK. Thanks....
IF IT AIN'T BROKE...
Caller: I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type "INSTALL" all it says is "Bad Command or File Name."
Tech Support: OK, check the directory of the "A:" drive. Go to "A:\" and type "dir."
Caller reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: All right, the correct file is there. Type "INSTALL" again.
Caller: OK (pause). Still says "Bad Command or File Name."
Tech Support: Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the "Enter" key?"
Caller: Yes, let me try it again (pause). Nope. It still responds "Bad Command or File Name."
Tech Support: (now really confused) Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says "Enter?"
Caller: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key. Does that matter?
READING BETWEEN THE LINES?
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Caller: Hello. I can't get on the network.
Tech Support: OK. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage.
Caller: What is that?
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Caller: OK. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar...
HUMOUR HODGEPODGE I
A SENIOR MOMENT
One evening I received a call from a very sweet elderly lady. Apparently her son had given her a computer along with our web site address so she could book airline tickets to visit him. I was expecting the typical request for help in navigating our web site. To my surprise she stated, "Honey, I only have one question. How do I turn this thing on?"
WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE.
One day while answering phones in our call centre I received a call from the phone company testing our lines. The caller said, "We're running a test and I show you have two different call centre sites — one in Florida and one in Virginia. Do you know where you are?" Fighting back laughter, I said, " I certainly hope so!"
YOU TALKING TO ME!
Caller: I can't make outbound calls on my cell phone.
Rep: Do you have the phone with you?
Caller: Yes, I'm talking on it right now.
Rep: The phone is working just fine. You just called me.
The embarrassed caller quickly hung up.
HELPDESK SUPPORT
HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'
Customer: 'I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!'
HelpLine: 'Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?'
Customer: 'What's an ignition?'
HelpLine: 'It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.'
Customer: 'Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?'
HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'
Customer: 'My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!'
HelpLine: 'Is the gas tank empty?'
Customer: 'Huh? How do I know?'
HelpLine: 'There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?'
Customer: 'It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?'
HelpLine: 'It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.'
Customer: 'What? I paid 11,500 euros for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!'
HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'
Customer: 'Your cars suck!'
HelpLine: 'What's wrong?'
Customer: 'It crashed, that's what wrong!'
HelpLine: 'What were you doing?'
Customer: 'I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!'
HelpLine: 'It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?'
Customer: 'I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!'
HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'
Customer: 'Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.'
HelpLine: 'Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?'
Customer: 'How do I work it?'
HelpLine: 'Do you know how to drive?'
Customer: 'Do I know how to what?'
HelpLine: 'Do you know how to drive?'
Customer: 'I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!'
TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK...
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
GOT A TICKET?
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an inbound agent.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an outbound agent
They all board the train. The inbound agents take their respective seats but all three outbound agents cram into a rest room and close the door behind them
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says
"Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The inbound agents saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the inbound agents decide to copy the outbound agents on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the outbound agents don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed inbound agent.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an outbound agent
When they board the train the three inbound agents cram into a rest room and the three outbound agents cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the outbound agents leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the inbound agents are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please
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 Events |
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“ICT for an inclusive society”, Riga, Latvia, 11-13 June
The 6th International Conference on ITS Telecommunications (ITST 2006) , Chegdu, China, 21 - 23 June
2nd Call Center and Customer Care Conference & Expo, 22nd-24th May 2006
IPVoice Meeting 2006 , 7-9 February, Portugal
3GSM World Congress, 13 - 16 January, Barcelona, Spain
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